|
Post by vajranagini on Feb 23, 2007 0:33:59 GMT
I LOVE Masonic jokes! Here's one of my faves:
A well-dressed, and obviously well-oiled man is weaving down a street late one night and a policeman spots him and intercepts him before the corner.
"And where are you going tonight, my good man?"
The intoxicated man stopped and straightened himself. "I am on my way to a lecture on Freemasonry, offisher!"
The policeman frowned. "Who is giving a lecture on Freemasonry at one in the morning??
"My wife".
|
|
|
Post by vajranagini on Feb 23, 2007 0:38:21 GMT
Why are hurricanes normally named after women? Ans: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. ###################################### I heard they are thinking of naming blizzards after men: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long they are going to last!
|
|
|
Post by offramp on May 5, 2007 23:27:11 GMT
|
|
|
Post by offramp on May 6, 2007 5:20:42 GMT
Knock, knock!
Who's there!?
Sam & Janet.
Sam & Janet who?
ôSam & Janet evening - You may see a stranger - ...ô
|
|
|
Post by offramp on May 17, 2007 21:21:56 GMT
I had a job as a mathematics teacher but I didn't like it.
Everything seemed geared towards the lowest common denominator.
|
|
|
Post by squared on Jun 4, 2007 19:50:48 GMT
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a Masonic Lodge. He goes to the Lodge, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Masons graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the Masons what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Mason."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Masonic Lodge. The Masons again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Masons reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Mason."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Mason, how do I become a Mason?"
The Masons reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a Mason."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the Masonic Lodge. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The Masons reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Mason. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Masons lead the man to a wooden door, where the Worshipful Master says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real Funny, may I have the key?" The Masons give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The Masons give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Masons, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst... Finally, the Masons say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Mason.................
|
|
|
Post by leonardo on Jun 22, 2007 22:08:35 GMT
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.
7. Have Aspirin ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(Notice: It's in large type so you could read it.)
|
|
imakegarb
Member
One wee, sleeket, cowran, tim'rous beastie
Posts: 3,573
|
Post by imakegarb on Jun 26, 2007 4:46:15 GMT
"A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer." This, and more, from here.
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jul 6, 2007 22:58:59 GMT
When we are called to the Grand Lodge Above our carbon footprints will become our actual footprints. Most of you will look like Elton John in Tommy but I am glad that I'll look like Tiger from Here Come the Double Deckers. uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fflhbo79fo&eurl=
|
|
staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
|
Post by staffs on Jul 7, 2007 7:56:52 GMT
When we are called to the Grand Lodge Above our carbon footprints will become our actual footprints. Most of you will look like Elton John in Tommy but I am glad that I'll look like Tiger from Here Come the Double Deckers. uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fflhbo79fo&eurl=offramp, thanks for the trip down memory lane. I remember that programme so well every Saturday morning. also remember the banana splitz? 1968 to 1970 apparently.. my mum and dad did not have colour TV way back then. What do you mean..what is black and white tv ? here it is : uk.youtube.com/watch?v=g2se2I70CJ0
|
|
|
Post by keith on Jul 7, 2007 22:23:14 GMT
I can remember as a kid watching the very first TV from the BBC when it started up again after the war. A friend of my parents had the latest 9in B/W TV, 408 lines . And the excitement when they actually broadcast the very first images from France, the lights along the seafront at Calais! They were about as clear as the first images from the moon. Late 1940s sometime, maybe around '47 or '48
I bought my first brand new bike about the same tim, cost me about 20 pounds, a Phillips with a 3speed Sturmey-Archer hub! Bloody hell!!!!
The bike I ride now (a New Zealand brand "Avanti") has sprung forks, disk brakes, 28 gears , lights as good as a car and weighs virtually nothing! Cost nearly $2000 though We have over 70km (about 42 miles) of MTB single track in the forests around Taupo which are lots of fun to ride
Not that this has much to do with the price of fish!
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jul 9, 2007 10:02:58 GMT
offramp, thanks for the trip down memory lane. I remember that programme so well every Saturday morning. And in those days, when you missed the programme that was it! The only Youtube then was a schoolmate's garbled précis at 8:30am on Monday morning.
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jul 10, 2007 9:43:35 GMT
A Chinese man, a scrupulous employee of an unscrupulous employer, he has a knowledge of English, and the employer is illegally copying a CD: the CD is 50 Cent's album Get Rich or Die Tryin' but there is a problem, the employer wants to include a small square book of lyrics for maximum authenticity, so he asks the employee who speaks some English to listen to the songs on the album and write out the lyrics, but the employee finds the task very difficult, 50 Cent sings so volubly, so he gets a sheet of paper and starts making notes and eventually he produces a reasonable book of lyrics, but he leaves his sheet of notes in the factory, and here is the extraordinary thing, the words from that sheet of paper accidentally get printed onto the side of a plastic jug that I buy on July 3rd 2007 at the Lidl supermarket in Morden, London, and here is a picture: picasaweb.google.co.uk/alaneobrien/CukorZucker/photo#5085171150673235314
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Aug 4, 2007 5:07:15 GMT
How many men named Christian are atheists?
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Aug 8, 2007 17:34:38 GMT
On the 5th August, in the Observer Azed crossword on page 10 of the Escape section that the last clue, ie 28 down:
"Fashion requires removal of cap, rule for lodge janitor (5)".
|
|
|
Post by keith on Aug 8, 2007 23:52:13 GMT
Well, what was the answer? And did he go all the way to Bougainville? (I hope you do know exactly where that is!)
|
|
|
Post by Jumile on Aug 17, 2007 12:59:21 GMT
STUTTERING CAT
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate him!"
|
|
|
Post by Jumile on Aug 17, 2007 13:03:51 GMT
Things mothers find out when they have sons... - A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42lb boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A 6-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
- 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.
- Super Glue is forever.
- No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jelly.
- VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in East Melbourne has a 3-minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
- 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Aug 29, 2007 6:11:58 GMT
Well, what was the answer? The answer is TYLER. Fashion [STYLE] requires removal of cap [ie the first letter of STYLE (S), leaving TYLE] , rule [an abbreviation for RULE is R] for lodge janitor [and this is the definition part of the clue].
|
|
|
Post by leonardo on Oct 5, 2007 19:46:10 GMT
Why Are Men Happier
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
|
|