staffs
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Staffs
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Post by staffs on Mar 14, 2005 19:29:38 GMT
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine" ***************************************** "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week, "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ******************* A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." ****************************** An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records. ******************************* A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. ________________________________________________________ Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." ________________________________________________________ The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock. ________________________________________________________ This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." ________________________________________________________ A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" _____________________________________________________ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." ________________________________________________________ Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by middlepillar on Mar 15, 2005 14:52:33 GMT
Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.
The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. " We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"
"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"
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Post by middlepillar on Mar 15, 2005 15:10:51 GMT
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
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Post by leonardo on Mar 16, 2005 22:24:39 GMT
Guy goes to a job interview at a very large powefull company, boss says to him after a half an hour of interviewing him "I've looked at your C.V", "checked out your references" "I've heared what you have to say about your self now" "so far all you have given me is the impression of a coniving, manipulative, self centered, ruthless, evil, corner cutting, bullying horrible swine".................."well"................"what can I say"............... "exept" ..................."welcome to the firm, talent like yours should never go to waste".
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Post by middlepillar on Mar 18, 2005 8:04:34 GMT
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any!" she responded.
The Englishman immeditely reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tree. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" shouts her husband.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet Mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" He cries out.
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Mar 19, 2005 15:35:34 GMT
hijacked this from th UK mason list.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese
man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man",
and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,
the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign!
You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong
man.
I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the
same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his
shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand?
You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says:
(It's a beauty)
(wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
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Post by leonardo on Mar 19, 2005 16:16:38 GMT
Lee. Just majic. Has cheered me up no end.
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Post by offramp on Mar 23, 2005 11:09:43 GMT
It reminds me of the old joke that had the punchlineI won't bother with the whole joke.
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Mar 24, 2005 20:54:20 GMT
The Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon’<br> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ’Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, I’ve come to... ’Oh, no need to explain........ Mrs. Smith cut in, ‘I’ve been expecting you’. Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?’
’Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’. After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’ ’Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there’. ’Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’ ’Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with there results’. My, that’s a lot!’ gasped Mrs. Smith. ’Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that’.
’Don’t I know it’, said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus’, he said. "Oh my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her neckerchief. ”And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with’. ’She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith. ’Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’. ’Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in’. Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?’ ’It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away’. ’Tripod?’
’Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.” With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............
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Post by zz-Midlander on Mar 24, 2005 22:29:04 GMT
The Photographer The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon’<br> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ’Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, I’ve come to... ’Oh, no need to explain........ Mrs. Smith cut in, ‘I’ve been expecting you’. Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?’ ’Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’. After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’ ’Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there’. ’Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’ ’Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with there results’. My, that’s a lot!’ gasped Mrs. Smith. ’Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that’. ’Don’t I know it’, said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus’, he said. "Oh my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her neckerchief. ”And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with’. ’She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith. ’Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’. ’Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in’. Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?’ ’It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away’. ’Tripod?’ ’Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.” With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............ ;D ;D ;D ;D
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Mar 25, 2005 10:03:09 GMT
Who dare to do this one at the Festive board ??
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Post by leonardo on Mar 25, 2005 13:04:59 GMT
A multi-millionair buisness man decided that in order to protect all his buisness secrets and inventions etc, he decided that he wanted to build the worlds safest vault, he hired the best enigineers and inventors in the world to come up with this unique vault that would be taylor made and fit inside his house, so, the inventors got to work and came up with something, the engineers built it to the specifications that the inventors blueprints showed, after a year or so, the chief engineer and the chief inventor both informed the multi-millionair that the vault was now ready, all the things that the rich man wanted in the vault were placed in it and the vault was then locked.
The multi-millionair looked at the vault and was very pleased, he could see that it was impenetreble, he then had a meeting with the two heads of the project to discuss the details etc, he could see that the two chiefs were looking very grim, so the multi-millionair said "why are you looking so glum?... "you have succeeded in creating what I asked you to do, you have made me the worlds safest vault" , "yes" replied one of the chiefs, "it is the worlds safest vault alright" he continues " the trouble is it's so safe that even we who built it don't know how to get back into it anymore" ;D ;D
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Post by Jumile on Mar 29, 2005 0:41:59 GMT
TAILGATING
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy road. Suddenly, the traffic lights turned amber, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crossing, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the boot. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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ruffashlar
Member
Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
Posts: 2,184
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Post by ruffashlar on Mar 29, 2005 6:18:59 GMT
Sex Education class.
"Today, boys and girls," announces the teacher, "we're going to be learning about sexual organs. Now who can tell me about the wazzock?"
"Please, Miss."
"Yes, Jemima."
"A man has one."
"Very good, Jemima. Anyone else?"
"Please, Miss."
"Yes, Timmy."
"Please, Miss, my Dad's got two."
"Your Dad's got two?"
"Yes, Miss."
"Now, Timmy, how do you reckon he has two?"
"He's got one for taking a leak with, and another he uses to clean the babysitter's teeth."
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Post by Jumile on Mar 30, 2005 23:08:53 GMT
I think you'll find the website is trying to prevent puerile words. (Very frustrating, isn't it?)
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Post by whistler on Apr 1, 2005 2:48:23 GMT
Just saw this written on a walll "Jesus turn the hearts of my enemies, If you can't - turn their ankles so I can tell them by their limping
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Post by Temple on Apr 1, 2005 23:07:25 GMT
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Apr 2, 2005 7:27:13 GMT
An old lady, very upset as her husbands passing to the hereafter, went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed. The instant she saw him she began crying.
One of the undertakers approached to provide comfort at this sombre moment. Through her tears the lady explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologised and explained that traditionally a black suit was always used, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulled back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears at Albert, resplendent in a smart blue suit.
"Wonderful, wonderful." She says to the undertaker. "But where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit....." the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man. He continued "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
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Post by middlepillar on Apr 6, 2005 21:24:11 GMT
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now," The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
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Post by leonardo on Apr 8, 2005 15:22:00 GMT
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The posman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twentny five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.
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