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Post by offramp on Jul 11, 2005 17:47:23 GMT
Has anyone else wondered what Richard Whiteley's ECG sounded like?
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Post by rbartlett on Jul 11, 2005 19:41:53 GMT
Has anyone else wondered what Richard Whiteley's ECG sounded like? I was a bit slow there at first -but got there in the end..;-)) S&F Richard
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Post by PaulS on Jul 12, 2005 14:01:57 GMT
I don't normally like jokes about recently deceased people as most of the time I think they are in bad taste, however i think that Old Twice nightly Whiteley would enjoy this one. The title should be "Carol is taking it well"....
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Post by offramp on Jul 12, 2005 19:46:07 GMT
There now follows an extremely important message from the MCCWe are passing on this email which we have just received I was sent the attached message and thought I'd pass it on. My personal security group has also confirmed this. Along with the coats mentioned, we have reports that some black trousers and stupid hats have also been stolen. These were in London. You will probably hear something on the news tonight about this. Keep your eyes open and be alert. Offramp news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/3639400.stm
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bod
Member
UGLE - MM (London), MMM RAM(Middx), OSM (London)
Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on Jul 13, 2005 9:27:11 GMT
Allegedly real metaphors from GCSE essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Mc Murphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (I have actually got a brother called Phil)
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
`Oh, Jason, take me!` She panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint-night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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Post by PaulS on Jul 13, 2005 10:24:28 GMT
Alleged News headlines of 2004:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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Post by middlepillar on Jul 14, 2005 23:16:15 GMT
A man breaks into a house looking for money and guns and finds a couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up to the chair while tying up the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, and kisses her neck,and then goes into the bathroom.?
While he`s in there, the husband tell`s the wife ,"listin honey,this guys an escaped convict,just look at his clothes! He`s probably spent lot`s of time in prison and hasn`t seen a woman in years....i saw how he kissed your neck .
If he want`s sex ,dont resist,dont complain,and do what ever he tell`s you satisfy him,no matter how much he nauseates you .This guy is probably dangerous,if he get`s angry he`ll kill us both,honey be strong ,honey i love you.
To which the wife replies,he wasn`t kissing my neck,he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he was gay,and thought that you were cute,and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him that it was in the bathroom......be srong,honey love you too?
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Post by offramp on Aug 22, 2005 17:24:21 GMT
Steve Coogan & Courtney Love!!?!?
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Post by gcoudert on Sept 18, 2005 19:58:40 GMT
=============== Humorous English Signs From Around The World =============== Sainsbury's, Woodhall Farm, Hemel-Hemsptead: "Automatic Door, push to open" GC
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Oct 1, 2005 12:50:45 GMT
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it" says Roy. "I thought you packed it"
Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it.........
. . . . .
........ Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts: "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!!"
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Post by leonardo on Oct 1, 2005 16:07:08 GMT
Lee.
This has to be one of the funniest jokes I've heard in a long, long time. Hilarious!
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Post by Jumile on Dec 4, 2005 15:51:58 GMT
Proving he's still alive...After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive?", Osama himself decided to send Dubya a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute, MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!"
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Post by Jumile on Dec 7, 2005 12:54:40 GMT
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Post by leonardo on Dec 7, 2005 13:37:17 GMT
Great link. If it wasn't so true it would be even funnier. ;D
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Post by Jumile on Dec 7, 2005 23:41:34 GMT
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and decided to get married.
There was only one thing bothering me - her beautiful younger sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and went bra-less.
One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn' t overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister. Of course I was totally shocked and couldn' t say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom now, and if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me."
I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, and then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We' re so happy that you' ve passed our little test. We couldn' t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Post by petertaylor on Dec 11, 2005 19:00:57 GMT
The following questions and answers were collected from exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form. These are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!
Geography:
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forgot where the sun joins in.
Sociology:
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you be well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology:
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When a farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. (he got an A).
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, AEIO and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman Emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English:
Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand it's meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology:
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
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Post by petertaylor on Dec 11, 2005 19:05:50 GMT
French lessons!
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French,unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine: "House" is feminine-"la maison." Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Post by leonardo on Dec 14, 2005 22:26:40 GMT
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Post by middlepillar on Jan 31, 2006 23:11:24 GMT
Manure:
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
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Post by maat on Feb 10, 2006 5:26:26 GMT
Dedicated to all our Masons - north of the border..
The Scotsman
A Scotsman moves to the US and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN, RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, rrrun!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams, "Walk with pride, Laddie!
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