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Post by offramp on Mar 16, 2006 12:56:14 GMT
Here one type of joke that anyone can make up.
Something like—um—Crowley’s Guardian Angel—Norse god of mischief—both looking for a headband—find a little container of fizzy drink—er—meet two former England cricketers—punch one of them in the hooter and there is a fight.
Something like that. Fill in a load of prepositions to make it all continuous, then shout out your triumphant punch-line:
Aiwass Loki forage are bandana fanta jab in Evans’ nose Amiss rabble now.
Easy, isn’t it?
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
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Post by staffs on Mar 16, 2006 17:33:13 GMT
Here one type of joke that anyone can make up. Something like—um—Crowley’s Guardian Angel—Norse god of mischief—both looking for a headband—find a little container of fizzy drink—er—meet two former England cricketers—punch one of them in the hooter and there is a fight. Something like that. Fill in a load of prepositions to make it all continuous, then shout out your triumphant punch-line: Aiwass Loki forage are bandana fanta jab in Evans’ nose Amiss rabble now.Easy, isn’t it? Offramp.. i just love your dry wit ! Ill have a pint of what you are on.
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Post by offramp on Mar 20, 2006 14:07:42 GMT
I am sure there are many England cricket fans for whom the singing of the song Jerusalem before each day's play is a huge scrotum-tightening embarrassment.
If you are one of them, then do as I do - you can use these lyrics instead.
In the deserts of Sudan and the gardens of Japan From Milan to Yucatan, every woman, every man Hit me your rhythm stick, Je t'adore, ich liebe dich, Hit me with your rhythm stick Hit me slowly, hit me quick
In the wilds of Borneo and the vineyards of Bordeaux Eskimo, Arapaho, move their body to and fro Hit me with your rhythm stick, Das ist gut, c'est fantastique, Hit me with your rhythm stick It's nice to be a lunatic
In the dock of Tiger Bay, on the road to Mandalay From Bombay to Santa Fé, o'er the hills and far away Hit me with your rhythm stick, C'est si bon, es ist nicht? Hit me with your rhythm stick Two fat persons, click, click, click.
These words were written by the late Ian Dury.
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Post by ingo on Mar 20, 2006 15:39:51 GMT
;D
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Post by offramp on Mar 22, 2006 14:00:05 GMT
Dear King Solomon,
This vision was sent automatically by God in response to your request to recover the password to the third degree. This is done for your protection—only you, the recipient of these words, can take the next step in the password recovery process.
To discover the password and reform the Lodge, follow these steps:
1. Have people look around for any recently disturbed earth.
2. When they dig up a body tell them to shout out the first thing that comes into their heads.
3. You have now reset your password.
If you did not request that I send this Forgotten Password vision to you, please report this to Me by prayer.
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Post by offramp on Mar 27, 2006 14:49:08 GMT
Was I the only one disappointed that Kember's plane didn't get hijacked?
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Mar 27, 2006 16:41:07 GMT
Try to answer them before looking at the answers -- and all do have logical answers.
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1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
- - -
Did you try to figured them out first? Here are the answers:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. This one's fairly lame, but the woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. It's pretty easy: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Mar 27, 2006 16:45:11 GMT
Joe and Rhoda had a small apartment in the city, and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed...
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and Hey! The Coopers are having sex!"
Joe and Rhoda shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!"
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Mar 27, 2006 18:25:01 GMT
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went over to Eve and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?'" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went to Eve and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is 'make love?'" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went back to Eve.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
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Post by offramp on Mar 28, 2006 0:39:52 GMT
The Barbican is hosting a colossal exhibition of the works of Samuel Beckett to mark what would have been his centenary, www.barbican.org.uk/beckett. All of his dramatic works are to be performed. It's 20 minutes tomorrow and half an hour on Sunday.
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Mar 31, 2006 12:16:39 GMT
Excuse me, Offramp, but I don't think this is a joke
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Post by offramp on Apr 1, 2006 5:09:27 GMT
It was meant to be, but I don't think I quite got it right.
Samuel Beckett's works are famous for being short. So the joke is that a performance of his entire output lasts for 50 mnutes in all, spread over two days.
In fact the exhibition goes on for 6 weeks, 8 hours a day.
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Post by squared on Apr 1, 2006 10:50:50 GMT
Was I the only one disappointed that Kember's plane didn't get hijacked? Being on this particular plane at the same time as Mr Kember, I was most pleased that it was not Hijacked! Many thanks for your kind thoughts
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Post by maat on Apr 7, 2006 2:38:28 GMT
A Woman Masons Prayer?
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man Love , to forgive him and for Patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
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staffs
Administrator
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Post by staffs on Apr 7, 2006 4:41:38 GMT
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
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Post by offramp on Apr 23, 2006 15:43:12 GMT
The Lutine Bell. I saw it today.
I suppose it is rung more and more frequently nowadays.
There is so much more shipping on the sea.
All that oil. And all that thundering noise. The noise that disrupts the navigation of dolphins and whales and porpoises.
They end up getting caught in drift-nets because of all that noise.
World governments are supposed to be getting rid of drift-nets because of that problem.
But they aren't.
People should be more vocal.
So really society is to blame.
We are all guilty.
We are all guilty that the Lutine Bell rings incessantly.
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Post by offramp on Apr 25, 2006 20:36:50 GMT
Wouldn't it be simpler if football matches were scheduled to last 93 minutes, and have no injury time?
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Post by offramp on Apr 26, 2006 14:43:55 GMT
There's an old hoax : which three English words end in the letters -gry.
In fact there are only 2 - hungry and angry.
There is, however, a Scottish word greegriment:
"There is one Scottish Rosslyn Templar who argues vociferously that the Letter 'G' indicates GREEGRIMENT, an old Scots word meaning harmony or concord."
So if you have greegriment you might well have greegry.
Any Scots out there ever heard of greegry?
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Post by leonardo on Apr 29, 2006 12:13:29 GMT
Subject: News Roundup
1. From The Gloucester Citizen: A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan", the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
2. From The Guardian: After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deedpoll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist B*st*rds". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr B*st*rds has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.
3. Phreakers, or 'phone hackers,' managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to
'Hello, you fat b*st*rd'
4. From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick', is for monetary donations only.
5. From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
6. From The Times: A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."
7. From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays E200,000 to Save Prostitutes", a spokesman was quoted as saying: "The money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pockets, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
8. From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.
9. From The Manchester Evening News: Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.
10. An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realised what had happened.
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ruffashlar
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Post by ruffashlar on Apr 30, 2006 5:34:09 GMT
No, I've never heard of greegriment. But then, I reckon houghmagandie must be a made-up word, I seem to see so little of it.
BTW "Samuel Beckett's works are famous for being short." - have you ever seen Waiting For Godot?? They ought to have called it Waiting for a Bus in a Tube Station - long, boring, and totally pointless.
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