|
Post by taylorsman on Apr 30, 2006 6:38:55 GMT
Thankfully I have never had to endure that Pseuds farrago and if I die not having done so I will be a happy man.
|
|
|
Post by Jumile on May 1, 2006 9:34:59 GMT
Any Scots out there ever heard of greegry? Yeah, he's my mate from the Trossachs.
|
|
|
Post by taylorsman on May 1, 2006 14:59:28 GMT
As in the film "Gregory's Girl" ?
|
|
|
Post by offramp on May 22, 2006 14:57:52 GMT
In Science once, I was given some unusual homework. We had to recycle paper into something that an animal could eat.
Unfortunately, my dog ate it.
|
|
|
Post by leonardo on May 25, 2006 15:22:44 GMT
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The posman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twentny five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.
|
|
|
Post by leonardo on May 25, 2006 15:23:27 GMT
A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I don't work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I don't like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "OK" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowl. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."
|
|
|
Post by leonardo on May 25, 2006 15:24:23 GMT
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."
|
|
|
Post by leonardo on May 25, 2006 15:26:27 GMT
Gio will love this A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 1, 2006 10:37:49 GMT
I love deep-frying things.... potatoes, pineapple....
Sometimes I think I am just frittering my life away.
|
|
|
Post by leonardo on Jun 8, 2006 13:04:53 GMT
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes.
When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay, you start us off." The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing ‘A jazz chord, to say I ruv you’
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 13, 2006 3:46:12 GMT
The government wants immigrants to be forced to learn English to show that they intend to assimilate.
I think it's a trap.
In order to show that they are truly English, immigrants should refuse to learn a second language.
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 13, 2006 3:48:03 GMT
I like these red & white dangerous driver flags that the DVLA is issuing.
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 21, 2006 1:38:30 GMT
Just before he died, I rubbed vaseline all over my friend's back.
After that he went downhill very rapidly.
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 28, 2006 22:42:25 GMT
"I do futher solemy swear, and affirm, that I will not write, indite, or otherwise delineate those secrets, or otherwise allow them to be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise recirculated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. "
LOL!
Good one Offramp!! How do you do it?
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 29, 2006 10:33:46 GMT
George Michael is going to be the next Bond villain.
His character will be a cross between Blofeld and Oddjob.
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 29, 2006 13:25:11 GMT
Deep Blue beat Kasparov at chess but it was no match for him at kick-boxing.
|
|
staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
|
Post by staffs on Jun 29, 2006 15:17:57 GMT
Offramp.....
Please keep em coming ........
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 29, 2006 17:56:40 GMT
My brother told me something funny today.
His daughter - aged 10 - has gone on a three-day trip to Beaulieu, at which toys are forbidden.
So my 49-year-old brother is dog-sitting - on a bright pink Nintendo with a pink stylus!
You know, one of those virtual dogs. He is at work and has to 'take it for walks' and 'feed it' every ½-hour or so.
I thought that was very funny.
|
|
staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
|
Post by staffs on Jun 29, 2006 21:25:20 GMT
Alan, can you send me a quarter of the stuff that you are smolking ?
|
|
|
Post by offramp on Jun 30, 2006 6:26:58 GMT
Thanks for the kind words, Staffs, but that last one is absolutely true; my brother is really dog-sitting a Nintendog. I can see it happening more and more often to parents in the future...
|
|