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Post by Jumile on Nov 26, 2004 16:55:46 GMT
Just found this while doing some other research, and thought it worth posting. THE SIGN OF A FREEMASON A Quaker Mason formed one of an indiscriminate company of cowans at an inn, where the landlord was also a Brother. Numerous jokes were cracked at the expense of the Fraternity, and the Quaker was called upon to show them a Mason's sign. One of the company offered to give him a bottle of wine if he would comply with their wishes; and, at length, though with much apparant reluctance, he agreed, on the condition that the wine should be immediately produced, and that the individual consented to receive the communication privately; the Quaker adding: "Friend, if thou does not confess to the company that I have shown thee a Freemason's sign, I will pay for the wine myself." The proposition was too reasonable to be refused, and the curious candidate for Masonic knowledge retired into another room with his formal friend. When there, the following dialogue took place: Quaker: "So friend, thou are desirous of seeing a Freemason's sign?" Cowan: "I am." Quaker: "Canst thou keep a secret?" Cowan: "Try me." Quaker: "Good! Thou knowest that our friend Johnson, the innkeeper, is a Mason?" Cowan: "I do." Quaker: "Very well." Then taking him by the arm, he led him to the window, "Dost thou see that ramping lion which swings from yonder upright post?" Cowan: "To be sure I do - it is our landlord's sign." Quaker: "Good! Then friend, our landlord being a Freemason thou art satisfied that I have shown thee a Freemason's sign, and thy bottle of wine is forfeited. For thy own sake, thou wilt keep the secret." The cowan returned to the room with a look of astonishment, confessed that he had received the desired infromation; and the mystery, which he had purposely observed,tempted others to purchase the secret at the same price. Edit: Changed this to a general jokes thread. C'mon boys and girls - give it your best shot!
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Post by Trinityman on Nov 26, 2004 17:25:44 GMT
Very funny ;D
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Post by leonardo on Nov 26, 2004 21:19:38 GMT
Nice one, Matt.
Very humorous and entertaining.
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Post by leonardo on Nov 28, 2004 20:14:35 GMT
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die." she replied.
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Post by leonardo on Nov 28, 2004 20:20:00 GMT
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Because I do it with the engine running!
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Post by Stash on Nov 28, 2004 21:53:37 GMT
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”<br> The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that f'n smirk off your face.”
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Post by Stash on Nov 28, 2004 22:02:51 GMT
Hehe, headlines of real life news can be funny
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Post by Stash on Nov 28, 2004 22:09:48 GMT
I coul;dn't help post another!!
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Post by leonardo on Dec 2, 2004 19:03:16 GMT
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now." "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers: "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
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Post by leonardo on Dec 7, 2004 15:20:11 GMT
Some "chat up" lines. Well, they work for me I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I could sure make your bed rock! Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Jumile on Dec 8, 2004 14:11:53 GMT
An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
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Post by leonardo on Dec 8, 2004 17:04:37 GMT
Jumile, Extremely funny and highly entertaining
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Post by Jumile on Dec 8, 2004 18:39:08 GMT
Plenty more where that came from... ;D Nine reasons beer is NOT better than women- A beer bottle doesn't look any better with its labels off.
- Peeling off beer labels isn't as much fun.
- You can suck a beer at only one spot.
- Enjoying a beer involves a positive calorie intake.
- The bottom of a beer can isn't very interesting.
- You can't eat a beer.
- You can't buy a beer at 9 am on Sunday in some states.
- There's a law about driving after having too many beers
- You have to be over 18 to enjoy a beer.
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Post by Jumile on Dec 8, 2004 18:45:30 GMT
Cat Bathing As A Martial ArtSome people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - islodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: - Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him formore than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.
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Post by Jumile on Dec 8, 2004 18:53:07 GMT
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)- I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
- There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
- I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
- My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
- I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
- I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
- It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
- I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
- I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
- Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean.)- I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
- There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
- I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
- My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
- I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
- I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
- It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
- I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
- I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
- Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
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Post by Jumile on Dec 8, 2004 18:58:36 GMT
"German" warning sign seen in an industrial plantALLES TURISTEN UND NON-TECHNISCHEN LOOKEN PEEPERS.
DAS MASCHINE CONTROL IST NICHT FŪR GERFINGERPOKEN UND MITTEN GRABEN. ODERWISE IST EINFACH SCHNAPEN DER SPRINGWERK, BLOWENFUSE, UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKEN. DER MASCHINE IST DIGGEN BY EXPERTEN ONLY. IST NICHT FUR GEVERKEN BY DAS DUMKOPFEN SIGHT-SEENEN. KEEPEN DAS KOTTENPICKEN HANDS IN SEINEN POCKETS. SO RELAXEN UND WATCHEN DAS BLINKENLIGHTS.
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Post by Jumile on Dec 11, 2004 9:53:34 GMT
A warning to all men
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet andsaid, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah HA! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old" The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache...
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bod
Member
UGLE - MM (London), MMM RAM(Middx), OSM (London)
Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on Dec 11, 2004 10:08:36 GMT
Especially for LKC:
A young man enters a pharmacy to purchase 'something for the weekend'.
'I'd like a box of 24 condoms please' he asks the chemist. 'Expecting a busy weekend are you sir?' said the chemist with a knowing smile.
'Oh yes, and she's a hottie!' replied the young man.
Later that evening he arrived at his girlfriends for dinner with his parents, during grace he kept hie eyes down and his head bowed and was muttering furiously to himself. 'I had no idea you were so religious' said his girlfriend
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist' replied the young man
I'll close the door on my way out........
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Post by Jumile on Dec 11, 2004 15:33:54 GMT
Following along on bod's theme, here's one from memory:
A young lad walks into a chemist, full of all the nerves of the first time condom buyer. After 3 embarassing false attempts, caused by the teenage girl behind the counter trying to serve him, he finally managed to get served by the older male chemist. Guessing what was up, the chemist took him a little aside and asked how he could help.
"Condoms?" the lad blurted.
Full of the compassion of a man who'd been there himself, the chemist asked, "Which kind would you like? We have the standard pack, the youth pack, and the married man's pack."
"What's the standard pack?" asked the lad.
"It's a pack of 7 condoms: one for each day of the week," explained the chemist.
"What's the youth pack?"
"It's a pack of 8 condoms: one for each day of the week, plus twice on Sunday," was the explanation.
"Oh," said the boy, curiosity replacing nerves. "Then what's the married man's pack?"
"It's a pack of 12 condoms--"
"Wow, really?" interrupted the lad.
"Yes: January, February, March...."
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Post by offramp on Dec 31, 2004 3:29:22 GMT
In real life, if you were in a hot air balloon that was losing height with Churchill and Hitler, which would you throw out?
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