staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Jul 1, 2006 20:21:15 GMT
offramp.rest assured it wont be deleted here so we hope you keep posting.
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Post by vadro on Jul 1, 2006 20:40:20 GMT
Thanks for the kind words, Staffs, but that last one is absolutely true; my brother is really dog-sitting a Nintendog. I can see it happening more and more often to parents in the future... THAT is really funny..... I hope my daughter won’t ask me to do the same!
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Post by offramp on Jul 4, 2006 20:33:49 GMT
Do you know that song by Carly Simon, You're So Vain?
I know this sounds weird but - I think that song is about me.
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Post by penfold on Jul 17, 2006 17:35:30 GMT
Q - How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Eighteen A Grand Lightbulb Changer He has come to monitor proceedings and talent-spot particularly good young lightbulb changers. He will be invited to change the lightbulb himself, but graciously decline, and afterwards speak eruditely on the history of lightbulb changing. He brought an assistant DC whose duty is to make sure that the Grand Lightbulb Changer is admitted and leaves with due deference. And to make sure the old boy doesn't get lost on the way. 2 Past Provincial Lightbulb Changers They got their titles as a recognition of various efforts, but despite their titles have no experience whatever of lightbulb changing. Two Old Past Masters Sit together and sagely discuss how standards for lightbulb changing have fallen. It wasn't done like that in their day. The Worshipful Master Presides over the ceremony of lightbulb changing. Defers to the Immediate Past Master if in doubt. The Immediate Past Master Quietly advises the Worshipful Master if he requires guidance on the ritual of lightbulb changing. Director of Ceremonies Ensures correct protocol is followed for the ceremony of lightbulb changing. Particularly important as the Grand Lightbulb Changer is going to be there. They want to put on a good show. DC has an assistant. Secretary Writes minutes of lightbulb changing. Treasurer Ensures there is money to pay for the new lightbulb. Two Deacons Guide the lightbulb changer around the room. Essential. The lightbulb needs changing and no-one can see what they are doing. The Lightbulb changer Changes the lightbulb A visitor Tells a joke or 2. Thanks his host for inviting him and says he'd love to come to the next lightbulb changing. Inner Guard Admits the lightbulb changer once he's satisfied he's who he says he is. Tyler Makes sure only bayonet fit bulbs get in. Pearl bulbs from the recognised bulb factories in other countries are OK, but we're not admitting any Westinghouse threaded bulbs to our Lodge! Julian Smith PM & Sec, Adams Lodge, 3122 and others I thought it deserved a place here in the official joke thread - if nothing else it resurects it.....
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Post by maat on Aug 7, 2006 2:20:16 GMT
Warning - you might not find this funny ;D
Masons V Co-Masons
Three masons were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me Strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, almost drowning twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed,
"God, please give me Strength and the Tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour, almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the Strength, the Tools and the Intelligence to cross the river.
Poof! He was turned into a Co-Masonic woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
;D ;D ;D
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ruffashlar
Member
Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
Posts: 2,184
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Post by ruffashlar on Aug 7, 2006 3:21:41 GMT
Never knew there were so many poofs in the Masons. Mmm. Actually, that's a lie ;D
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Aug 7, 2006 6:36:58 GMT
Never knew there were so many poofs in the Masons. Mmm. Actually, that's a lie ;D Ruff, You are quite correct ..its a lie.. i know one who is quite affectionately know and likes to call himself . The queen of the lodge Aside from his playfulness he is Quite a superb ritualist and dedicated mason and would benefit any lodge . Would also help to dispel the myths and stereotypical bigotry that some people still perceive about a person because of their preferred preference of partner. Yes , believe me .it still exists here . generally not in the masonic fraternity but most definitely in the community and from people who are quite so obviously incorrectly mis informed and misdirected .
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Post by corab on Aug 18, 2006 19:52:08 GMT
Not entirely politically correct, but very funny... A public school teacher was arrested at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Cora
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Post by rbartlett on Aug 19, 2006 6:17:24 GMT
Never knew there were so many poofs in the Masons. Mmm. Actually, that's a lie ;D Ruff, You are quite correct ..its a lie.. i know one who is quite affectionately know and likes to call himself . The queen of the lodge Aside from his playfulness he is Quite a superb ritualist and dedicated mason and would benefit any lodge . Would also help to dispel the myths and stereotypical bigotry that some people still perceive about a person because of their preferred preference of partner. Yes , believe me .it still exists here . generally not in the masonic fraternity but most definitely in the community and from people who are quite so obviously incorrectly mis informed and misdirected . Oouu get her!! ;D S&F Richard
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Aug 29, 2006 11:55:26 GMT
Bible Jokes
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
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Post by leonardo on Aug 29, 2006 16:36:55 GMT
Wonderful Gio
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Post by leonardo on Oct 13, 2006 18:17:21 GMT
Murphy the Spy The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
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Post by leonardo on Oct 27, 2006 10:17:01 GMT
A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft. He realised she
was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right
beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business
trip or holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm
going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." The man
swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to
maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this
convention?" "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality." Really?" he smiled, "What myths are
those?" "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories
are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't
even know your name!" "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my
friends call me Paddy."
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Post by matt on Nov 2, 2006 5:58:00 GMT
Q: How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Change?
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Post by maat on Nov 2, 2006 22:14:10 GMT
Q: How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Change? ;D ;D ;D
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Nov 2, 2006 22:37:41 GMT
Q: How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Change? ;D ;D ;D Its a good joke but i think the Q is better as : How many PAST MASTERS does it take to change a lightbulb ?
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Post by leonardo on Nov 2, 2006 23:09:58 GMT
How many mods does it take to change a light-bulb?
None - they just remain in the dark ;D
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Post by kizzy on Nov 2, 2006 23:36:56 GMT
PM'swould say "Your not doing it the way we have always done it !"
How many PGMs does it take to change a light-bulb?
They DONT but they get their Prov Grand Secretary to issue a letter telling all Lodges that nobody in their Province is to change a lightbulb without a Dispensation.
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Nov 3, 2006 21:03:10 GMT
PM'swould say "Your not doing it the way we have always done it !"How many PGMs does it take to change a light-bulb? They DONT but they get their Prov Grand Secretary to issue a letter telling all Lodges that nobody in their Province is to change a lightbulb without a Dispensation. Steve, good stuff and these are going in the next issue of The Brighthelmstone Deacon.
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Feb 8, 2007 8:09:54 GMT
Why are hurricanes normally named after women? Ans: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
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