staffs
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Staffs
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Post by staffs on Dec 31, 2004 7:39:14 GMT
Yoki.No offence intended as only joking as i am not a MCP
Everything a man can say to a womanwithout offending her :
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Post by Jumile on Dec 31, 2004 11:10:20 GMT
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
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Post by Jumile on Dec 31, 2004 11:12:41 GMT
Me And You Is Friends ...
You Smile, I Smile
You Hurt, I Hurt
You Cry, I Cry
You Jump Off A Bridge ...
I Gonna Miss You!
;D
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bod
Member
UGLE - MM (London), MMM RAM(Middx), OSM (London)
Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on Dec 31, 2004 11:27:00 GMT
What happened to the frog that broke down on the motorway? He got toad away......
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Dec 31, 2004 13:26:46 GMT
matt,i just read the patty whack joke:
Still laughing Brilliant
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Post by Jumile on Jan 4, 2005 16:09:15 GMT
There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed to God in very shaky handwriting.
He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about."
So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The Postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.50p which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady again addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £3.50 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at the Post Office."
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bod
Member
UGLE - MM (London), MMM RAM(Middx), OSM (London)
Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on Jan 12, 2005 6:58:26 GMT
Sorry if you have already seen these, but I thought they were worth sharing with a larger audience...
The Washington Post runs a yearly contest where readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words - and the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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bod
Member
UGLE - MM (London), MMM RAM(Middx), OSM (London)
Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on Jan 12, 2005 13:19:11 GMT
For the cat lovers out there...
Thoughts on Cats
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."- Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."- Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."- Colette
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." -Anonymous"
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will ps on your computer." - Bruce Graham
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
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Post by Jumile on Jan 13, 2005 10:26:17 GMT
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. A: Mac? C: No, the name's Lou. A: Your computer? C: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. A: Mac? C: I told you, my name's Lou. A: What about Windows? C: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? A: Do you want a computer with Windows? C: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? A: Wallpaper. C: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. A: Software for Windows? C: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? A: Office. C: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? A: I just did. C: You just did what? A: Recommend something. C: You recommended something? A: Yes. C: For my office? A: Yes. C: OK, what did you recommend for my office? A: Office. C: Yes, for my office! A: I recommend Office with Windows. C: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? A: Word. C: What word? A: Word in Office. C: The only word in office is office. A: The Word in Office for Windows. C: Which word in office for windows? A: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". C: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? A: Yes, you want Real One. C: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! A: Real One. C: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them? A: Of course. C: Great! With what? A: Real One. C: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? A: You click the blue "1". C: I click the blue one what? A: The blue "1". C: Is that different from the blue w? A: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. C: What word? A: The Word in Office for Windows. C: But there are three words in "office for windows"! A: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. C: It is? A: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. C: And that word is real one? A: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. C: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? A: Money. C: That's right. What do you have? A: Money. C: I need money to track my money? A: It comes bundled with your computer. C: What's bundled with my computer? A: Money. C: Money comes with my computer? A: Yes. No extra charge. C: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? A: One copy. C: Isn't it illegal to copy money? A: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. C: They can give you a license to copy money? A: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
A: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? C: How do I turn my computer off? A: Click on "START".......
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Post by leonardo on Jan 13, 2005 19:39:07 GMT
=============== Humorous English Signs From Around The World =============== TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order. PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk. ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday. SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. POLISH MENU: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results. PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking. RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. SOVIET NEWSPAPER: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists. ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages. SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream. COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions. MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it. NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases. ACUPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. JAPANESE HOTEL: colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. =============== Brought to you by PalmaServ Documents for the Palm Computing(r) connected organizers. Visit us at, www.coslink.net/PalmaSrvPalmaServ@topmich.com
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Post by atarnaris on Jan 13, 2005 19:55:04 GMT
Typical innit?
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Post by leonardo on Jan 13, 2005 23:42:36 GMT
I'm not saying my mother-in-law is a bad cook, she just uses the smoke alarm as a timer! ;D ;D
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Post by Jumile on Jan 15, 2005 15:52:13 GMT
This is a topical blog I discovered sometime last year and read occasionally when I'm in need of a laugh or head shake. Thought I'd share: www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.htmlEach entry is a collection of the weirdest/funniest things the blogger hears on the daily commute through the London Underground. Some of it is hilarious.
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Post by leonardo on Jan 15, 2005 16:30:26 GMT
Matt. the link is hilarious!
Quick example:
5. Someone needs to remind Queen that Freddie Mercury is dead.
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Post by Jumile on Jan 16, 2005 18:11:58 GMT
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bod
Member
UGLE - MM (London), MMM RAM(Middx), OSM (London)
Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on Jan 16, 2005 19:40:55 GMT
I've never liked pigeons.....
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Post by middlepillar on Jan 17, 2005 17:39:08 GMT
A man goes in to the chemist and asks for some Viagra, the chemist replies "Have you got a prescription?"
The man says "No, but i've got a photo of the wife!"
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Post by Jumile on Jan 18, 2005 0:29:15 GMT
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.
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Post by Jumile on Jan 20, 2005 10:47:42 GMT
Just to bring the tone of the forum down for a moment... INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANLINESSWARNING: Not to be shown to women at the risk of losing your man club membership.- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.
- It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
- When she is using her teeth.
- Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
- Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
- Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
- On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
- You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
- It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain Offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
- If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
- Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
- Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
- "Yeah, Baby, Push it!"
- "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
- "Another set and we can hit the showers!"
- Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
- Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Jan 21, 2005 6:46:53 GMT
If women are so goood at doing two things at once like they are always telling us then.....
Why is a threesome always out of the question ??
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