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Post by leonardo on Apr 8, 2005 15:27:47 GMT
A tired old mason whose hair was gray, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast. St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.
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Post by Jumile on Apr 17, 2005 8:39:52 GMT
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Post by atarnaris on Apr 17, 2005 10:26:19 GMT
I know what you mean.
Great stuff m8...
If it gets released, I would definetely buy it....
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staffs
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Post by staffs on Apr 20, 2005 18:48:44 GMT
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Clean all wet shower surfaces. Spray mould spots with Flash bathroom spray. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbant second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails or tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend half an hour getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN -------------------------------------------- Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one. Wash face Wash armpits Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash privates and the surrounding area Wash butt, leaving hair on soap Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror Pee (in shower) Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. Partially dry off Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor Leave bathroom light and fan on Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.
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staffs
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Post by staffs on Apr 26, 2005 20:08:17 GMT
Someone sent this on the uk list ,and i bet you wince when you read it ?
Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this private message thing, so that you will be sure to read it.
Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives over a year ago
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now & is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, & the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child & quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy & the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, & discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career & has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip & there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup & bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it.
I hope you & the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny & I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your posting replies.
Love, Your Wife
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Post by PaulS on May 17, 2005 14:09:54 GMT
SPORT NEWS FLASH!
Paul Michael Glaser has stunned the world of British football by taking the first steps to become the sole owner of British Premier League Club, Manchester United, by purchasing loads of their shares from a couple of Irishmen.
"It was like taking candy from a baby," said the former star of hit TV detective series 'Starsky and Hutch'. "I made 'em an offer they couldn't refuse; a quarter of a billion (an American billion that is) of your English pounds sterling, although the real deal clincher was letting them pull some handbrake turns in the red and white Ford Torino and trying on my trademark cardigan."
Fans have been sickened by Glaser's underhanded dirty dealings as well as being slightly bemused by his recent bizarre behaviour of dressing up like eccentric racing pundit Sir John McCririck. Had the official supporters' fan club known that the shares were up for sale they stated they would have had a whip round and would themselves have made the two Irish traitors an offer.
Asked if they thought they could have got that obscene amount of money together without involving any Russian industrialist tycoons, the club secretary said, "Man United fans are the most loyal you'll find anywhere in the world. They would have given anything to have stopped the club falling into that Glaser's hands. Any shortfall would have been made up by taking George Best's empties back to the off licence."
In the City, financial experts were expressing concerns about Glaser's means of funding the purchase of 75% of the club's shares. "We know that he has had to borrow some money from Ocean Lombard Loans Direct and although it is rumoured that he felt he had a great weight lifted and has had his first good night's sleep in ages, it is inevitable that he will have to put up admission fees and the price of the official merchandise to pay back the capital and interest, in spite of the very competitive rates."
David Beckham, former Manchester United player and goodwill ambassador for Gillette, was unavailable for comment. "He's too busy texting," said some posh lass.
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Post by Jumile on May 25, 2005 23:45:36 GMT
MEXICAN MEERAGE
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
"Ees...
"Ees, a Ham Bush!"
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staffs
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Post by staffs on May 26, 2005 16:37:04 GMT
THE ULTIMATE FEMALE PIERCING// SORRY GIRLS
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staffs
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Post by staffs on May 26, 2005 16:38:55 GMT
Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release: 9 1/2 Leeks Trefforest Gump An American Werewolf in Powys Dai Hard The Wizard of Oswestry The Eagle has Llandudno The Magnificent Severn Haverfordwest Was Won Austin Powys The Magic Rhonddabout Independence Dai The Bridge over the River Wye A Beautiful Mind-you The Welsh Patient The King and Dai Breakfast at Taffynys Look you back in Bangor Evans can Wait A Fishguard called Rhondda Where Eagles Aberdare Dial M for Merthyr Sheepless in Seattle Lawrence of Llandybie Welsh Connection The Lost Boyos
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bod
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Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on May 26, 2005 16:39:35 GMT
Saw these elsewhere and felt compelled to share them with you.......didn't see why I should be the only one to suffer....
Tortured English...
-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. -- A backward poet writes inverse. -- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. -- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. -- Practice safe eating - always use condiments. -- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. -- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. -- A hangover is the wrath of grapes. -- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. -- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. -- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. -- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. -- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. -- What's the definition of a will? - It's a dead give away. -- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. -- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. -- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. -- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. -- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. -- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. -- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. -- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. -- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. -- Every calendar's days are numbered. -- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. -- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. -- He had a photographic memory that was never developed. -- A plateau is a high form of flattery. -- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. -- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. -- Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. -- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. -- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. -- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Post by taylorsman on May 26, 2005 17:14:42 GMT
Please Lee, rush me one of those womem with that wonderful modification. Do you take Pay-pal?
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bod
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Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on May 26, 2005 18:06:37 GMT
On the subject of Pay-pal.
I recieve quite a few of the fraudulent e-mails pretending to be from banks, pay-pal etc. Today's one really was excellent, direct quote:
26th May 2005
Dear Paypal customer
We have been noticed that there is suspicious activity on your account on date of June 10th 2005.
Please click here to login.....blah blah blah...
I wonder if they do a lottery numbers service as well.......
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bod
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Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on May 31, 2005 9:38:29 GMT
What Religion is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! (A} Almost Boobs... (B} Barely there. (C} Can't Complain! (D} Dang! (DD} Double dang! (E} Enormous! (F} Fake. (G} Get a Reduction. (H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up ! They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!
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staffs
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Post by staffs on Jun 1, 2005 6:32:47 GMT
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touringaround the market place looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Deymakeyou wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need >>>> them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?"The Jamaican replied, "Just try demon, Man." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gavein, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!
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ruffashlar
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Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
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Post by ruffashlar on Jun 1, 2005 7:27:44 GMT
I suppose that's the "Death by Mau-Mau" Joke from The League of Gentlemen transposed into a shoe shop.
But I still don't get it. Where's Dr Scholl when you need him?
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staffs
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Post by staffs on Jun 1, 2005 18:33:28 GMT
Sent by Middlepillar.titled : Taking the wife shopping
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staffs
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Post by staffs on Jun 4, 2005 16:44:41 GMT
Sorry Girls but i could not resist these :
I am sure you will find something along similar lines to get your own back on us sexist male chauvinist pigs.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment. What is when a woman talks dirty to a man? £5.00 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.
What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme
What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have women and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man’s view of safe sex? Shoelaces tied to the end of the bed
How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
I married Miss Right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90% It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What’s on the TV?" I said, Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
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ruffashlar
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Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
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Post by ruffashlar on Jun 12, 2005 6:49:08 GMT
A guy borrowed his mate's mobile. As he was about to return it, he noticed it had all kinds of cool features, like an electric lamp, a golfball-locator, a chat-up-line archive and so on. Then he started a text message, but instead of what he typed in coming up on the screen, a sepulchral voice intoned, "The 2.30 at Chepstow this afternoon will be won by Winslow Boy". And, sure enough, it came true. The guy made a killing at the bookies. But he wasn't greedy and decided to give it back after he'd made a few million.
"Here", he showed the phone to back to his mate, "That's an amazing phone you've got . Do you know, it even gives you the racing results?"
S C R O L L
D O W N
"Oh, sure", said his friend, "What, are you telling me you've never heard of predictive text?"
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bod
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Post by bod on Jun 23, 2005 5:48:11 GMT
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
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Post by offramp on Jul 5, 2005 3:50:17 GMT
I wonder how Orthodox Jews say Giovanni?
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