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Post by offramp on Feb 13, 2006 7:05:33 GMT
Two centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
Having no choice, the Jews picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed, rather bizzarely, I suppose, but otherwise there would be no joke.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews may stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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Post by maat on Feb 21, 2006 1:05:29 GMT
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Melbourne.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered.
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
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ruffashlar
Member
Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
Posts: 2,184
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Post by ruffashlar on Feb 23, 2006 11:48:23 GMT
Oh-ho, it's the blonde jokes, is it?
A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask directions.
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Feb 23, 2006 14:27:55 GMT
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush. Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America." Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know." The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?". President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
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Post by Siontific on Feb 23, 2006 16:24:15 GMT
The following has just been posed ..........
In an emergency, who is Man's best friend?
Anyone know the answer to this one?
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Feb 24, 2006 12:03:24 GMT
no, I don't. What is then the answer?
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Feb 24, 2006 13:22:25 GMT
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
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Post by leonardo on Feb 24, 2006 18:57:36 GMT
Nice one Gio. I must tell this to a priest friend of mine!
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Post by Siontific on Feb 24, 2006 20:25:21 GMT
I have no idea of the answer Gio, I was hoping someone here might know it.
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Post by maat on Feb 26, 2006 23:24:45 GMT
Himself - as in his inner voice? Don't know the answer - just guessing.
Maat
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ruffashlar
Member
Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
Posts: 2,184
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Post by ruffashlar on Feb 27, 2006 17:06:50 GMT
How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A banana.
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Feb 28, 2006 19:59:35 GMT
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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giovanni
Member
odi profanum vulgus, et arceo
Posts: 2,627
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Post by giovanni on Mar 3, 2006 12:34:36 GMT
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."
"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.
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Post by offramp on Mar 4, 2006 4:37:54 GMT
I live in Lambeth, where you can't be arrested for dealing in cannibis any more unless you sell it in pounds and ounces.
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Mar 4, 2006 16:55:53 GMT
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL !!!
(apologies to any Essex Masons)
Subject: ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL[Scanned]
A major hurricane (Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of yesterday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,muttering "faaackinell"
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy
Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, burberry scarves and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Gold chains and rings
-- Rockport boots
-- White plastic stilettoes
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
2 quid buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
5 quid will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
10 quid will replace the precious jewelry
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked,"bleedin' ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
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Post by offramp on Mar 14, 2006 19:54:35 GMT
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Post by leonardo on Mar 14, 2006 20:49:11 GMT
Interesting item. Not sure why you posted here on the joke thread, though.
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ruffashlar
Member
Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
Posts: 2,184
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Post by ruffashlar on Mar 14, 2006 23:55:35 GMT
How about sight gags? Just don't try this one in the US - no sense of humour!
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Post by offramp on Mar 15, 2006 3:57:06 GMT
Interesting item. Not sure why you posted here on the joke thread, though. It's because the name of the Lodge is Thesaurus Lodge and I said that it had gone under many different names. A thesaurus - meaning treasury - is a book that contains synonyms; that is, words that have similar or the same meanings as other words.
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Post by leonardo on Mar 15, 2006 8:38:45 GMT
Well done, offramp. Roget would be proud of you.
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