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Post by leonardo on Feb 1, 2005 20:41:19 GMT
You Might Be a Freemason If...
...overnight you suddenly know more Latin than the Pope. ...start calling major historical figures “Brother”<br>...answer everything with, "Are you on the level?" ...secretly practice shaking hands with yourself ...only blow out the candles on the north side of your birthday cake. ...recently had your home rotated to face the East ...only drink “light” beer ...refer to your iron lawn jockey as the Outer Guard.
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Post by KansasPM on Feb 2, 2005 17:56:49 GMT
A Brother died and went to Heaven. St. Peter gave him the grip and said, "Welcome Brother!"
The man told St. Peter how great it was to meet a Brother. St. Peter said, "C'mon - let me show you the Masonic clock room here in Heaven".
They proceeded to an enormous room with thousands of beautiful, gem encrusted gilded clocks on the walls, each with the name and number of a Lodge attached.
The Brother looked around and noticed that each clock showed a differrent time, and asked St. Peter why that was.
St. Peter replied, "Well, we set each Lodge's clock to Greenwich Mean Time when the Lodge is chartered. Every time a mistake is made in the Lodge's ritual work, their clock loses one minute, so the times are all different".
"I see" the Brother said, "but where is the clock for MY Lodge"?
"Oh, it's in the kitchen" St. Peter replied, "the cooks needed a fan in there".
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Post by leonardo on Feb 2, 2005 19:00:06 GMT
A POOR MAN WORKED ALL HIS LFE WASHING DISHS IN A LOCAL PUB FOR VERY LITTLE PAY. BY THE END OF EACH WEEK, HIS HANDS WOULD BE CHAPPED AND HURTING.
THEN ONE DAY A VISITOR TO THE PUB TOLD HIM TO LOOK IN THE LOCAL STREAM AND TRY TO CATCH HIMSELF A SQID.THEY TOLD THE MAN THAT IT COULD BE MEDICINAL, AND IF HE CAUGHT ONE AND RUBBED IT ON HIS HANDS, HIS HANDS WOULD HEAL AND BECOME SOFT.
THE MAN WENT TO THE STREAM EVERY NIGHT, EVENTUALLY HE CAUGHT ONE. HE HAD HIGH HOPES EVEN THOUGH THE ONE HE CAUGHT LOOKED A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM YOUR AVERAGE SQID. IT'S SKIN HAD A MILD-GREEN CAST ON IT,AND ITS TOP LIP WAS HAIRY.
BUT THE MAN DIDN'T CARE ANYTHING WAS WORTH A TRY. SO HE RUBBED THE SQID ALL OVER HIS HANDS..AND FROM THAT MOMENT.. HIS HANDS THAT DO DISH'S WERE AS SOFT AS HIS FACE THANKS TO HIS MILD-GREEN HAIRY LIP SQID!
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Post by leonardo on Feb 16, 2005 20:19:13 GMT
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothes in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - love you!."
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is his hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks "son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I had a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! ... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed, "leave me alone, Lady, I'm a married man!"
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Post by middlepillar on Feb 17, 2005 14:04:06 GMT
Husbands & Wives A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking."
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Post by middlepillar on Feb 17, 2005 14:07:57 GMT
Two Mexicans
TWO MEXICANS HAD BEEN LOST IN THE DESERT FOR OVER TWO WEEKS. THEY WERE STARVING AND CLOSE TO DEATH .ALL OF A SUDDEN PEPE TURNS TO PACO AND SAYS ,"PACO MY FREEND WE IS A SAVED "I CAN SEE A BACON TREE . IT IS COVERED IN LOVELY STREAKY BACON ,I WILL GO AND GET US SOME . AS FAST AS HE CAN PEPE RUNS TOWARDS THE BACON TREE ,BUT JUST AS HE GETS NEAR IT HE GETS CUT DOWN IN A HAIL OF BULLETS. PACO SLOWLY CRAWLS OVER NEAR HIM AND CALLS " PEPE MY FREEND IS YOU HOKAY" ?. QUICK RUN PACO SAYS, TO PEPE ITS NOT A BACON TREE ITS A "HAMBUSH ".
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Post by Jumile on Feb 18, 2005 1:32:16 GMT
Sweet Naughtiness
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo - I'm the one with the hole", she said.
"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in a hotel and went straight to bed. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the Contrast of her Double Decker.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time she gave him a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught something. It turns out Ms Rowntree had Assorted Creams in her box.
She had been with All Sorts!!
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ruffashlar
Member
Lodge Milncroft No. 1515 (GLoS), Govanhill Royal Arch Chapter 523 (S.G.R.A.C.S.)
Posts: 2,184
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Post by ruffashlar on Feb 23, 2005 1:36:03 GMT
A ship puts to sea in a howling gale, with stormy clouds and raging winds. From the wheelhouse comes the sound of music and singing:
"I like driving in my car It's not quite a Jaguar..."
And the harbourmaster shouts from shore:
" IT'S MADNESS GOING TO SEA IN THIS WEATHER! "
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Post by Jumile on Feb 26, 2005 11:06:20 GMT
New disease hists Washington DC; Spreading to the WestThe Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease that has affected Washington DC and appears to be spreading through the West (symptoms already visible in UK and Australia). This disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease. Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: - Anti-social personality disorder traits;
- Delusions of grandeur with with a distinct messianic flavor;
- Chronic mangling of the English language;
- Extreme cognitive dissonance;
- Inability to incorporate new information;
- Pronounced xenophobia;
- Inability to accept responsibility for actions;
- Exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;
- Uncontrolled facial smirking;
- Ignorance of geography and history;
- Tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; AND
- A strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.
The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years ago in a Texas BUSH!
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Post by leonardo on Mar 4, 2005 18:16:27 GMT
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."
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Post by taylorsman on Mar 6, 2005 15:18:57 GMT
Not a joke but an amusing true occurance. ;D There has been building work at my place of employment and a new door built to the car park. I hadn't give this much thought but had to laugh when I observed that the mechanism was called a "Presto Lock". As the main centre for the Locksmiths industry in the UK is Willenhall in the West Midlands, so I couldn't help but wonder.........
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bod
Member
UGLE - MM (London), MMM RAM(Middx), OSM (London)
Posts: 1,296
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Post by bod on Mar 10, 2005 11:49:26 GMT
With some sympathy to my English brothers....but not too much...... Especially for Rugby fans. 1/ Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Edward, "He plays Rugby for England but I was just too embarrassed to say." 2/ A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when hechallenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents andrefused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy tochoose who should have custody of him. In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the England Rugby Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone. 3/ Despite comments and criticism regarding his performance in the game against Wales, it has been announced today that the rising star in English rugby, Matthew Tait, will be included in the forthcoming British Lions tour. He will be going as Gavin Henson's hand luggage. 4/ The England rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Andy Robinson immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again. 5/ Andy Robinson takes the England Team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion. 6/ The English Rugby Union are making available a help-line for fans who are disappointed with their national team's recent performance. The help-line number is: 0800 10 10 10. That's 0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!! 7/ What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing an English rugby shirt in bed? You ain't gonna a score - ever. 8/ A guy goes into a pub with his dog. "Sorry mate, no dogs allowed", says the barman. "But this is a very special dog" claims the man, "he's an English rugby supporter!" The barman looks doubtfully at the pooch. "Honest", says the man, "he knows when England's on the tele, and when they get into the opposition 22 he does a back flip and spins around!!!" The barman turns the TV on and England is playing New Zealand. True to the mans word, when they get into New Zealand's 22, the dog does a back flip and spins around on his back legs. "That's incredible!" says the barman. "Just watch", replies the man. As England loses possession, the dog stops and watches the screen, and only when they get back into the opposition 22 does he go through his acrobatic routine. The barman is well impressed and asks curiously, "If he does that when England gets into the 22, what does he do when they score a try?" The guy looks at him and says, "Dunno mate, I've only had him three years!!!" 9/ Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he "watched the rugby on Saturday and England were shit." UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 2 years. 10/ There are only 2 man-made things that can be seen with the naked eye from space... The first one is the Great Wall of China, and right on it's heels is the...GAP IN THE England DEFENSE. 11/ What's the difference between the England team and an arsonist? An arsonist wouldn't waste 17 matches.
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Post by PaulS on Mar 10, 2005 16:11:51 GMT
A man was shipwrecked on a desert island after a big storm. As he lies on the beach, a ewe and an alsatian are also washed ashore, so he does have some company. The climate of the island is warm and comfortable and there's food and water enough for them. After a few months the three of them get pretty pally and get into the habit of walking up into the hills to watch the sun go down every night. One particularly balmy night, everything is beautiful, in the distance they can hear the gentle sound of the sea lapping on the beach, the cooling evening breeze carries the sound of crickets chirping and everyone is happy. The man looks over at the sheep and the sheep looks back. They gaze into each other's eyes and the man begins to feel warm inside. The sheep continues to look back at him, so he reaches out and puts his arm around the animal. As soon as he does this,the alsatian begins to growl, and doesn't stop until the arm is removed. The three of them continue to watch the sunset each night, but the magic moment is past and there is no more funny business. The weeks and months go by and there is another tropical storm and a beautiful woman is washed up on the beach, more dead than alive. She is weak and half drowned, but with tender care she eventually returns to health. She gets along well with the man, the dog and the sheep and she is introduced to their nightly ritual of watching the sun go down over the sea listening to the sound of the sea lapping on the shore, the noise of the crickets and the scent of tropical plants and spices on the breeze. There is the most wonderful sunset and there is romance in the air and the man begins to feel warm inside and exciting feelings stir in his heart and elsewhere. He turns to the scantily clad and now sun-tanned woman and gently nuzzles her hair and his lips near her ear. Their arms brush as she moves closer to hear what he has to say as he whispers, "You wouldn't take the dog for a walk, would you ?"
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Post by Jumile on Mar 11, 2005 20:00:16 GMT
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. But how the hell did they get in there?? ;D
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Post by Jumile on Mar 11, 2005 20:06:44 GMT
Sound familiar? How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?- 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
- 1 to move it to the Lighting section
- 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
- 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
- 5 to flame the spell checkers
- 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
- 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
- 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
- 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
- 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
- 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
- 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
- 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
- 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
- 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
- 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
- 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
- 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
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Post by Jumile on Mar 12, 2005 22:13:23 GMT
Real Military Quotes
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -US Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -USAF Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." -US Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -US Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -USAF Ammo Troop
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Mar 13, 2005 8:37:52 GMT
A man was shipwrecked on a desert island after a big storm. As he lies on the beach, a ewe and an alsatian are also washed ashore, so he does have some company. The climate of the island is warm and comfortable and there's food and water enough for them. After a few months the three of them get pretty pally and get into the habit of walking up into the hills to watch the sun go down every night. One particularly balmy night, everything is beautiful, in the distance they can hear the gentle sound of the sea lapping on the beach, the cooling evening breeze carries the sound of crickets chirping and everyone is happy. The man looks over at the sheep and the sheep looks back. They gaze into each other's eyes and the man begins to feel warm inside. The sheep continues to look back at him, so he reaches out and puts his arm around the animal. As soon as he does this,the alsatian begins to growl, and doesn't stop until the arm is removed. The three of them continue to watch the sunset each night, but the magic moment is past and there is no more funny business. The weeks and months go by and there is another tropical storm and a beautiful woman is washed up on the beach, more dead than alive. She is weak and half drowned, but with tender care she eventually returns to health. She gets along well with the man, the dog and the sheep and she is introduced to their nightly ritual of watching the sun go down over the sea listening to the sound of the sea lapping on the shore, the noise of the crickets and the scent of tropical plants and spices on the breeze. There is the most wonderful sunset and there is romance in the air and the man begins to feel warm inside and exciting feelings stir in his heart and elsewhere. He turns to the scantily clad and now sun-tanned woman and gently nuzzles her hair and his lips near her ear. Their arms brush as she moves closer to hear what he has to say as he whispers, "You wouldn't take the dog for a walk, would you ?"
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Mar 13, 2005 8:39:32 GMT
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Hell, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter....................
'I've brought you the Peking duck'
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Post by PaulS on Mar 13, 2005 13:18:29 GMT
Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare. Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings? Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare Customer: Hamburger Relish? Shopkeeper: Cancer scare Customer: Sausage and Mash? Shopkeeper: Cancer scare Customer: Cottage Pie? Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare. Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare? Shopkeeper: Yes Customer: (sigh) Just give me a packet of cigarettes then. Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please. Customer: Thanks !!
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staffs
Administrator
Staffs
Posts: 3,295
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Post by staffs on Mar 14, 2005 19:28:05 GMT
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name."
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